Star
by Kat03
Summary: (Carby) Sometimes, a relapse can change into a progress. Carter discovers that Abby is drinking again. What will he do?


Title: Star

Author: Saskia Albert

Email: Saskia.Albert@t-online.de

Category: Abby/Carter

Rating: PG

Spoilers: slight ones for season 7, mainly season 8

Summary: Takes place after Carter has discovered Abby's drinking again.

Archive: Sure, just let me know where it's going

Disclaimer: I don't own any of ER's characters. I just use them for my stories. J

Author's Notes: For those of you who still don't know it – English is not my native tongue, 

                           So don't flame me ;) Did my best. J Note: Thanks to great demand,  

                           here's my second ER fic. Ta! You wanted it, you got it! LOL!

                           This story is not a sequel to my first ER fic "Run", although I've been

                           asked by a lot of people to write one. A story can only have one true 

                           ending. ;-)

……

I don't want our love to cause you so much pain.   
If this is how it's going to be, I'll walk away.   
Oh, neither one of us should ever say goodbye.   
Let's forget about the past and who's to blame,   
'Cause when this is all gone,   
We'll wish we'd held on.

(Richard Marx – Surrender To Me)

……

Star by Saskia Albert

Chicago General Hospital

Emergency Room

Chicago

Tuesday

8:15 pm

"Hey Jerry", Abby Lockhart greeted him as she entered the ER and passed by the admit desk. Jerry looked up from the computer at hearing his name.

"Hey Abby. You're late."

Abby stopped and leant against the desk.

"I know. The train was late."

Jerry smiled.

"You don't have to tell me that. But I'm sure Weaver is interested in hearing your excuse."

Abby frowned and raised her eyebrow.

"She's angry?"

Jerry nodded.

"She's been pissed all day long."

"Busy day, uh?" 

"Yep. Several car crashes, a very nasty case of food poisoning and…"

Abby quickly rose her hand to cut him short. She wasn't quite dying to get a detailed description of the food poisoning case. 

"The usual, I see. Thanks, Jerry."

She turned around and making her way to the lounge, she sighed. She knew this was going to be a rough night and it was not exactly what she needed right now. She had other things on her mind. Things that had caused her sleepless nights. She was afraid to meet him again. Afraid of looking into his eyes again, fearing what she would find in them. She was fearing his reaction and above all – she was ashamed. She hadn't wanted him to see her, his friend and former sponsor, like this. She didn't want him to see she hadn't been strong enough to resist. Any other person and she wouldn't care - but why him? Why had HE to find out about it? Abby stopped near the door to the lounge and looked around, trying to catch him somewhere but he was nowhere to be seen. Maybe today was her lucky day and he'd already gone home? Or maybe there was a little chance that he wouldn't mention anything? She let out another sigh. She didn't even know why she was feeling this way, why she was fearing his reaction. He wouldn't mention it. And if yes, then she'd just tell him everything – tell him that it was not what it seemed to be like. Or she'd tell him nothing at all? Yes, yes. That would be the best way out of this embarassing situation. There was no need to tell him anything. It was just not his business. Not his business. Pushing against the door, she stepped into the lounge.

"You're late." 

Hearing this familiar voice, Abby quickly rose her head. 

"The train?" His voice sounded tired.

Carter was putting his stethoscope into his locker and turned around to look at Abby. Aparently, he was about to finish his shift. Abby tried to avoid looking at him and strolled to her locker to get dressed herself. 

"Uh, yeah… the train." She confirmed, then threw her coat and her bag into her locker. 

Carter nodded and kept watching her as he was leaning against his locker. He knew she was trying to avoid it. She was trying to avoid facing him. He'd studied her behaviour for years and it was obvious to him whenever she felt uncomfortable in his presence. But this time, he didn't feel more comfortable than Abby. He wanted to say something but was afraid he wouldn't find the right words. He'd seen her and he'd seen the bottle of beer in her hand. He'd seen Luka and the indifference he'd shown towards the whole situation. He'd never imagined she'd do it again someday. She'd been sober for years, she'd remained sober despite all the trouble she'd had recently with Maggie and Luka and…well maybe himself. It had never occurred to him that there could be something that would cause this strong person to start drinking again. Yes, she'd always been a strong person to him. She had even agreed being his sponsor and his friend although she'd had a drug problem herself. And yesterday, a nightmare had come true and it continued. A few months ago, he'd certainly have known how to react and how to comfort her but now? Things had changed between them and Carter was too painful aware of that. He couldn't just confront her with everything or comfort her. He couldn't. Even if he wanted to – he couldn't. How could he blame her for drowning her sorrows in a bottle of beer instead of seeking advice and comfort from him when he hadn't been a real friend for her for the passed months? He felt like crap. Yes, since this very moment he had got to know about Abby's drinking again, he'd felt like crap. On the one hand, he'd been angry because she had never said a word to him about her problem and on the other hand, it had hit him like a knife: He hadn't been there for her. He'd let her drift away. He'd let the distance that had been growing between them, grow too wide. So how could he just blame her? He'd rather blame himself. Dammit – they'd avoided to speak to each other for the passed months, so how could they just talk about personal problems? It was ridiculous. How could he just take her hand and be her friend again? And he knew that she wouldn't open up to him anymore, either. Of course, he'd hopes that she would. Someday. Somehow. But for the moment, he felt uncomfortable. More than he'd ever felt in her presence. And despite, somewhere deep inside him, Carter felt a constant urge to reach out to her.

"You off?" He was completely lost in his thoughts, when her voice brought him back to reality. He nervously searched for his bag and when finding it, he replied,

"Uhh…yeah. I've been on for 36 hours. Time to get some beauty sleep."

He walked towards the door and Abby followed.

"You can say that again." She couldn't help but grin.

Carter opened the door, then stopped, standing in the doorframe. He turned his head and looked at Abby.

"I really look that bad, huh?"

A light smile surrounded her face as she simply nodded.

"This was meant to be a rhetorical question, Abby. But thanks for being honest, though." 

Carter smiled as he stepped out of the lounge.

"Never mind." She laughed.

They both stood there for a second, then Abby broke the awkward silence.

"Well, um, I really gotta go or Kerry will kill me before I even have a chance to tell her the reason for being late."

Carter nodded. „Good luck. Bye Ab."

"Goodnight, Carter," she answered as she watched him leaving the ER. Abby breathed out in relief. She was glad he hadn't mentioned anything. Yet, a second later, she felt that something deep inside her, a little part of her had wished he'd asked her. A little part. But she knew why he hadn't done it. Tucking her hands into the pockets of her nurses'dress, she made her way along the hall.

…… 

Chicago General Hospital

Chicago

Wednesday

3:35 am

She shivered and sighed. What a stupid idea it had been to spend her break on the roof. Abby threw her cigarette on the ground, wrapped her arms around herself to keep herself warm and leant against the railings. The sky was dark but clear and she enjoyed staring at the billions of little stars that seemed to be so near although they were so incredible far away. She loved the stars. They were always there. Sometimes, they couldn't be seen and some of them even disappeared but she knew they were there. Somewhere above. Somewhere hidden behind the dark clouds. She liked the idea that there were things existing in her life that wouldn't change. She didn't have many constants in her life. She had once thought she'd have one or two but they'd all disappeared. One after the other. Suddenly, she had to think of Carter. It was scary that somehow, he never seemed to stop being on her mind. Even after all that had happened between them and inspite of everything they were separated by. Whatever it was they were separated by. Abby wasn't quite sure herself whether she still knew what it was that separated them. 

"God, this is cold, isn't it?"

Abby whirled around at the sound of Susan Lewis' voice. She was wearing her thin blue coat and a scarf and rubbing her hands together. 

"Yeah. But it's quiet. I don't know about you but I can't actually relax in the cafeteria or the lounge." Abby expressed herself as Susan stopped next to her.

"You mean, you can't relax and enjoy a cigarette while Romano is slurping his midnight tea in the cafeteria?" Susan smirked.

"That's not the point. I'd rather be afraid I'd stub out my cigarette at his forehead."

Now Susan couldn't help but laugh.

"I see. Now that's a reason to come to the roof."

"Yeah." Abby smiled back, then looked back up at the stars for a while without saying a word. Susan gazed at Abby and then also rose her head to look up at the starlit sky.

"Awesome, isn't it?" Susan commented, keeping her eyes focused on the stars.

 Abby nodded.

"Yes. I was just thinking about the fact that they are always there. Even if we can't see them."

"In contrast to what? Human beings?"

Abby shrugged and turned her head to Susan. 

"Uh…somehow…yeah." Susan's direct way of speaking things out loud was somehow both - fascinating and scary.

"But some are also always there. Less, but still some."

"They are?" Abby's voice was filled with disbelief.

"Yes, they are."

Abby tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and stared at Susan. She seemed so convinced of what she was saying and to a certain extent, Abby wished she could also believe her words. Susan noticed the expression of disbelief on Abby's face and continued to speak.

"It's just sometimes, when everything around us is falling apart, when the sky above us gets cloudy, we're unable to see them. But they are there. Always."

"But when you can't see them, how do you know they are there?"

"You don't see them. You feel them." Susan smiled and started to walk off the roof.

Abby was thrilled by her words and watched her leaving. After a few seconds, she decided to follow her and go back into the ER. There was still a lot of work that had to be done and her shift wasn't over, yet. As she reached the door, she stopped to look back up at the stars one last time and smiled. She loved them.

…….

Abby Lockhart's apartment

Chicago

Wednesday

8:25 pm

A hard knocking at her door was enough to wake her. Abby rubbed her eyes and yawned. She'd fallen asleep on the sofa. It was not the first time she'd fallen asleep there. She'd been tired and exhausted for the last few weeks, so she hadn't even made it to fall asleep in her bed, sometimes. Especially, since the trouble with her neighbor had started. Something inside her was still nervous and scared whenever she was alone in her apartment. There was another knocking at the door. The TV was still running, so she turned it off, jumped to her feet and strolled to the door. As she reached the door, she rested one hand on the doorknob before asking,

"Who is this?"

"It's me. Carter."

Abby froze. She hadn't expected him to show up at her apartment again after the last time he'd been here and found out about everything. She got more and more nervous and stroke a hand through her tousled, dark hair. What did he want? Would he try to talk to her about it? But he didn't mention anything, yesterday, so why should he want to talk about it, now? She sighed. She didn't want to talk about anything right now. She was tired and not in the mood for long discussions. She told herself that there was nothing to talk about anyway. Maybe there was a little chance that he'd just shown up to say 'Hi'. Maybe. Abby took a deep breath and opened the door. 

Carter was leaning against the doorframe as she opened the door. His hair and parts of the dark blue t-shirt and the jeans he was wearing were wet and all in all, he looked like a wet poodle. 

"Hey", his warm voice greeted her.

Abby raised an eyebrow.

"Carter? What…?"

"Can I come in?"

Abby hesitated for a second, then nodded and lead him in.

"Sure."

"Thanks."

Carter walked in and sat down on the sofa. Abby closed the door and followed. 

"I'll get you a towel", she told him, walked to the bathroom and came back with a big, white towel.

"Here." She handed him the towel and Carter accepted it gratefully.

"Great." He tried to dry his hair and his face, then laid the towel around his shoulders and leant back. Abby sat down on a nearby armchair and watched him silently.

"When did it start raining?"

Carter laughed sarcastically.

"Exactly as I got out of the car."

A cheeky grin appeared on Abby's face.

"Having one of those days?", she asked.

"Probably." He grinned back at Abby and their eyes locked for a moment. Then, Carter leaned forward and bowed his head. 

"Abby… I…", he began to speak in a serious, lowered voice. Abby sat up and nervously pressed her hands on her knees. She knew this tone in his voice. She knew this expression on his face and she started feeling uncomfortable again. 

"What?", she jumped in, staring at him in anticipation of what he was going to say. 

Carter looked up at her intently. 

"Abby, I can't do that. I can't act as if nothing has happened."

Abby crossed her arms. She felt a strong urge to stand up and get out of here immediately. 

"You don't have to. Nothing happened." Her voice showed a slight touch of bitterness.

Carter wasn't sure whether he actually heard her saying those words. Was she actually going to play things down? 

"Abby, you know what happened. Don't try to play things down." 

Abby pressed her hands together and glowered at Carter. 

"There's nothing to be played down because nothing happened, Carter, okay?"

Carter stroke his hands through his still wet hair and sighed.

"Now this is even worse. You're not playing it down, you're denying it. Abby, you don't have to talk about it but for god's sake – don't deny it." 

Abby was still glowering at Carter and studying his face. It showed both concern and anger. 

"I don't think I need your permission to talk about something or not. What are you thinking you're doing here anyway, Carter?! Did you just feel like being my friend, again? Why now? You didn't want to be my friend any longer, remember?" 

Abby stood up angrily and walked to the window, turning her back towards Carter. Her heart beat faster and she blushed of excitement. She'd let it out. She'd let out what's been stuck in her throat for a longer time, what had caused her anger. At first, it was a relief but as her eyes filled with tears of anger, she knew that she was already regretting what she'd just told him. 

Carter froze at hearing those words coming out of her mouth and didn't know what to say. The words were echoeing again and again in his head as he kept staring at Abby, who was standing a few inches away from him, staring out of the window with her arms crossed. After a moment of silence, he angrily jumped to his feet and headed for the door. Opening it, he stopped for a second.

"You're right. I don't know what I'm doing here, either."

With these words, Abby heard him slamming the door and leaving. She turned around and stared at the door, then sat down on the sofa, and burying her face in her hands, she started to cry. Why? Why did she have to say those words to him? Why did she have to send him away when she felt a part of her was longing for his comfort? She slammed with one fist on her knee. Damn! She was so good at such things! She was good at ruining her relationships and friendships! She was so damn good at ruining her life, making it even more complicated and detested. Instead of making a step forth, she'd made three steps backwards. It was annoying and frustrating. An endless vicious circle. Instead of saying what she'd originally wanted to say, she always used to blurt out with what she didn't want to say. It was horrible. She felt horrible. But the upcoming feeling of regret came up too late. Abby realized that tonight, she'd probably completely damaged her already slightly damaged friendship with Carter. Geez! She'd just told him she hated him for not being there for her and she couldn't think of anything that would make it undone. Nothing. 

…..

Chicago

Wednesday

9:03 pm

He was driving too fast. He knew that but he didn't care. His face and his look were frozen. He kept his eyes constantly focused on the street but his mind was elsewhere. His mind was still at Abby's apartment, trying to repeat the words she'd said to him. Over and over again. It hurt, it hurt like hell and he knew why. She'd been right. Every word she'd said about him had been right. He hadn't been there for her. He hadn't noticed she'd had problems. And if he hadn't found out about it coincidentally, he wouldn't even know it now. And how did he go there? His hands strongly gripped the steering wheel. His stubbornness. His vein. His jealousy. His fear. His anger. He wished he'd never told her about his feelings and run away. He wished he'd never forced her to decide between a life with Luka and a life with him. How he wished he'd never accused her of still being attracted to Luka without even trying to understand her behaviour. He could have fought for her if she'd really been attracted to Luka but he didn't even try. Why did he have to risk everything by forcing her to decide between friendship and love? He might have lost the possibility of being more than friends but he could still have been with her, at least. He could have been there for her. And maybe, she wouldn't have sent him away a few minutes ago. On the other hand, he'd never expected her to say something to him like what she'd said to him some minutes ago. It made him even more angry. And despite, he himself was responsible for the damn situation they were in right now. Yes, he was. If only he could think of a way to get out of it. Carter parked somewhere near the river, unlocked his seatbelt and got out of the car. He had to catch some fresh air, quickly. 

……

John Carter's apartment

Chicago

10:12 pm

Both her clothes and her hair were completely drenched by the rain as she reached his apartment. Abby could barely breathe and her whole body was shivering. She'd taken a cab and spent the rest of the way running to his apartment. She knocked at the door, hoping he would open it. Hoping, he would accept an excuse, hoping she could somehow pick up some of the pieces that had once formed their friendship. She knocked again and started calling his name.

"Carter?!"

There was no response and she tried it again.

"Carter!!"

As she still didn't get a response and nobody opened the door, she finally gave up. He wasn't home. Either that or he was at home but didn't want to see her. She couldn't even blame him if this was the case. Abby slowly turned around and walked down the steps from his apartment. The cold rain kept pattering against her face but she didn't care. Tucking her hands into the pockets of her jacket, she slowly made her way home. 

……

Chicago General Hospital

Emergency Room

Chicago

Thursday

11:25 am

"…and then, suddenly, I realize my arm's aching. I guess it was one of those days when everything that can go wrong, finally goes wrong. I bet you know what I mean, doctor."

"Uhuh." Carter yawned. He was tired and couldn't stand listening to the neverending story the man whose arm he kept examing was talking about. And above all, there were other things on his mind that were bothering him. One of them was standing a few inches behind him, writing down his diagnosis on a chart. He was trying to avoid looking at her and to keep his eyes focused on the patient's arm instead.

"Does this hurt?" Carefully, he tried to move the man's arm in one direction.

"AAAAHHH!!" The man screamed out loud and Abby almost let the chart drop down.

Carter stood up and took a pen out of his pocket. 

"I take it as a 'Yes'." He reached with his left arm for the chart Abby was holding in her hands but didn't look at her. Abby handed him the chart and didn't say a word, either. She hated this. She hated this awkward atmosphere between them. 

"Well, Mr. Montry, I'm afraid it's broken but we'll need some x-rays to be 100% sure. Abby will take you with her to radiology and I'll see you again, later." He wrote something down on the chart and gave it back to Abby. 

Abby simply nodded, and lead Mr. Montry out of the exam room. 

"You can come with me." Mr. Montry followed her slowly while Carter watched them leaving. As the door shut, he closed his eyes for a few seconds and took a deep breath. It was killing him. It was slowly but certainly killing him. He sighed. Just another eight hours and it'd be over. It'd be over? He had to laugh at his own stupid thought. It'd never be over unless a miracle happened.

"Ooops, didn't knew someone was in here."

Carter's eyes snapped open as he heard Susan Lewis bumping into the room. He shook his head and put the pen back into his pocket.

"Never mind. I'm off."

Carter walked towards Susan who stopped him by pushing with her hand against his chest. 

"You okay, Carter?"

"Sure."

"I see. Wanna talk?" She crossed her arms and gazed at him.

Carter sighed.

"I don't want to talk."

He was about passing by when Susan grabbed his arm.

"Hmm, maybe 'I' want to talk. I'll take my break in about 10 minutes. Meet at Magoo's for lunch, okay?" 

Carter forced himself to smile lightly. Her attempts to get him to speak were somehow amusing but talking was the last thing he wanted to do right now. Yet, he knew Susan. And he knew that she she wouldn't give up on something easily.

"Do I have a choice?"

Susan grinned evilly and let go of his arm.

"I don't know. Do you?" 

"Magoo's in 15 minutes", Carter answered and Susan let him pass by.

"15 minutes", she repeated and closed the door.

…..

Doc Magoo's

Chicago

12:07 am

"So, she's got a problem and you were trying to help her but she didn't want your help. Did I get that right so far?" Susan took another bit of her sandwich and looked at Carter who was sitting in front of her, picking apathetically with his fork at his tortellini. He'd told her about the trouble he was recently having with Abby but had left out that she was an alcohol addict. Instead, he'd simply told her she was 'having a problem he couldn't talk about in detail'. He knew he could trust Susan and that she was not one of those persons who would spread around gossip a friend had told her but he felt it wasn't right talking about Abby's problems in particular with anyone. That was something he just couldn't do. He was glad Susan had accepted his wish. 

"Yeah. Kind of."

Susan raised an eyebrow at him.

"Kind of?"

"I didn't even have a chance to offer my help. I mean, I was about to do so but instead, she asked me why I was showing up anyway and whether I just felt like being her friend again although I'd once told her I didn't want to be her friend."

"W..w..what? Wait, Carter. You once told her you didn't want to be her friend?" Now Susan was really confused. She couldn't imagine Carter would say something like this to someone who meant so much to him.

"No. Well, yes. Not really. It just happened back when she and Luka were still, well, a couple. I didn't mean it this way, Susan." Carter took a sip of his coffee.

"Ah, the rebound-guy-thing. I see. I see."

"Yep, the rebound-guy-thing." Carter confirmed.

"Anyway. She's right, Susan. She's right. I haven't been there for her the way I should have been for the last months. So I can't expect her to open up."

Susan leant back and shook her head. 

"Carter, I'm sure you don't want to hear it but – I remember I told you some time ago that you should get things right between you two and tell her what you're feeling before it'd be too late. It shouldn't be such a big surprise for you that things took the wrong direction."

"I know", he mumbled, bowing his head.

"It'd have been easy to get things right. You could have told her, 'Abby, sorry I've been such an asshole but I love you'. That's all it'd have taken."

Carter's eyes almost popped out of his head at hearing those words and he could tell he was blushing. He quickly rose one hand and leant forward to stop her.

"Susan! Drop it please, okay?" He nervously looked around to check whether someone had noticed Susan's remark or followed their conversation.

"You're really hopeless."

"Are you going to teach me or are you going to help me? I know what I did and what I didn't do but the thing is – I can't help her as long as things remain they way they are now", Carter told her very get up and go.

Susan couldn't resist a smile as she kept watching him.

"You two have a talent to make things complicated."

Carter smiled back lightly.

"Really? Who would have guessed that." 

He kept picking with his fork at his tortellini and Susan looked out of the window for a while before she sat up, resting her elbows on the table.

"Carter, seriously – did it ever occur to you that she's acting like this to keep you away? Not because she's mad at you but to avoid that you'll see that she can't deal with her problem. From all I know about her and from all you've told me about her, she always seemed to be a rather 'strong' person to me. At least, she's trying to be strong. It's not easy to admit to yourself that you're not as strong as you would like to be and that there are some things you can't cope with. She's not acting like this because you haven't been close enough for the passed months. You're still too close and she's aware of that. She doesn't want you to see her like this, Carter."

Carter was listening intently to what Susan was saying. He'd never thought of it this way. 

"Maybe. Maybe you're right. But the fact is she doesn't want me to help. This way or the other way."

"And you're giving up that easily?"

"I don't want to make it even worse, Susan."

"Carter, it WILL get worse if you don't do anything."

As he looked into Susan's eyes, he knew she was right. He didn't want to lose Abby. And he'd do all it would take to get her out of her troubles. No matter what. It was about time. But he was aware of the fact that it wouldn't be easy if she didn't want him to comfort her, to have him beside her. 

"It's going to be tough", he countered.

Susan nodded. 

"Maybe. You just have to find a way to help her without being near her."

Carter had to laugh.

"You know what you just said, don't you?"

A wide grin appeared on her face.

"I do."

While finishing his coffee, he pointed at Susan. 

"I'm afraid you don't have a suggestion?"

"Now, this is up to you, Dr. Carter.", she answered, standing up, putting on her scarf and her jacket. Carter placed some money on the table and stood up, as well.

"I was afraid you would say that", he commented as they were leaving the restaurant.

It was going to be very, very hard. 

……

Chicago General Hospital

Chicago

Friday

6:20 pm

"I told you you were going to lose, Doc", Michael Gallant yelled as he crashed into Carter and grabbed the basketball. Carter struggled with his balance, then ran after Gallant, managed to get the ball back and finally, he pushed it into the basket. Raising his arms triumphatically, he smirked at Gallant, who was trying to catch his breath.

"Whoohooo!! Anything you wanna tell me, Gallant?"

Michael walked pass him and picked the ball up from the ground. He turned around and threw the ball at Carter. 

"Yeah. Revenge." 

Carter laughed.

"You really wanna lose twice?"

"Stop talking, man. Let's get it on", Gallant replied, rubbing his hands.

Carter nodded. 

"Okay then. You wanted it." He was about to start running, when suddenly, he spotted Abby leaving the ER. Staring on the ground, she didn't notice the two men playing basketball. Carter wondered whether she was just completely lost in her thoughts or whether it was another attempt to avoid crossing his way. He stopped running and kept watching her. He knew it was about time. He had to do it. Of course, he was afraid to talk to her again and above all, to bring on the alcohol topic again, but he'd do it, though. He'd thought it over and had come to the conclusion that the risk of losing her would be much bigger if he'd just ignore the problem. And besides, he was fed up with the awkward atmospere between them. 

"Hey man, are we going to play or what?", Gallant called in Carter's direction.

Carter turned towards Gallant and handed him the ball.

"Next time, Gallant."

Gallant sighed.

"I knew you would shirk", he answered, smiling but Carter was already rushing after Abby.

"Abby!"

Abby stopped as she felt a hand resting on her shoulder. Turning around, she looked straight into Carter's eyes. For a second, she felt herself unable to say anything. She'd never thought he'd ever want to talk to her again after their last meeting. And now he was standing in front of  her, his eyes locking with hers, his hand carefully resting on her shoulder, sending little electric shocks down her body. 

"C…Carter…" was all she could muster.

Carter took his hand off her shoulder. She looked amazing with the surprised expression on her face and her exciting brown eyes staring at him in anticipation of what he'd probably do or say. If only she knew that he didn't know exactly what to do or say, either and that he was as excited to be standing near her as she was. 

"Um…you have a few minutes time? I mean, if you're in a hurry or…", Carter studdered.

Abby retorted.

"Uhh, no. Sure. Sure. I was just about having a walk along the river before going home."

"Well…mind if… I join? Just for a few steps? I think I need a break after the match with Gallant." Carter smiled nervously and Abby nodded as they started to walk. She let her eyes wander down his face and his white shirt which was partly drenched by his sweat. His tie was half-loosened and the first three buttons of his shirt were unbuttoned. She had to grin at the fact that the pager he was wearing at the belt of his jeans was probably the only thing at the moment, that somehow proofed one of the best doctors of Chicago was walking next to her. Right now, he looked more like a student who'd just left a nearby club after a long, exhausting night. Carter noticed the grin on her face and was about asking her what was causing her it when Abby noticed his suspicious look.

"I suppose you didn't let him win?"

Carter smiled.

"I was about to when you came around."

Abby turned her head to face him and raised an eyebrow.

"So it's my fault, I guess."

"Yeah", he joked around.

"Seems I've got a talent to spoil things", Abby commented, turning her head to the other side.

Carter knew what she was referring to and the smile on his face slowly disappeared. 

"No. You were right. It was my fault. I should have…" He stopped when Abby cut him short.

"No. My behaviour was childish and stupid. I don't know what made me react this way. I just don't feel like being my normal self at the moment." 

As they reached the bench near the river, Abby stopped and sat down. Carter watched her silently and made himself comfortable next to her. He hesitated to say something to her, fearing it'd be the wrong thing to say. Fearing, she'd stand up and run away as she did the last time he'd brought on the topic. Yet, he took her last remark as a sign that she was willing to talk about it now, so he cleared his throat and tried to find the right words. Abby was looking afar at the river, then turned her head and looked at Carter. She noticed he was struggling with his mind and the question what he should say or shouldn't say, so she took the initiative before he could even begin to speak.

"I don't know why it happened and how it could happen. If that's what you were going to ask."

Abby forced herself to smile.

"I bet you'd never thought that it'd happen to me, to Abby Lockhart, uh?"

"It can happen to anyone at any time. I'm an addict myself, remember? I'm not your mom, I'm not going to teach you, Abby."

Abby stroke a strand of hair the wind had blown into her face back behind her ear while keeping her eyes fixed on Carter. 

"I know. Sorry."

"I'm just worried." Another strand of hair was blown into Abby's face and Carter carefully tucked it behind her ear. Abby froze at his movement. It fascinated her whenever they were getting close but closeness was something she just didn't want at the moment. She didn't want anybody to come too close, to care too much about her. She didn't exactly know why, though. Maybe it was all her neighbor's fault. Maybe. Abby jumped to her feet and leant back against the railings. Carter gave her a surprised look.

"Tell me what to do."

Abby rose her head. 

"You don't have to do anything, Carter. You can't."

"You mean you don't WANT me to do anything." His voice was filled with a slight touch of disappointment and concern as he glanced at Abby who was standing in front of him, staring at the ground.

"I don't know what I want at the moment, Carter. That's the problem. It scares me. It scares the hell out of me. I didn't expect it to happen again and I feel things are getting out of hand. It's too much for me at once. I guess I have to think things over and settle things out myself before I can seek help from someone else." She rested her hands on her hips and shrugged her shoulders. 

"I just can't…"

Carter listened carefully, then got up and stood next to her. 

"Okay."

Abby looked up at him in surprise.

"Okay?" 

"Yeah." He confirmed. "I just want you to DEALl with your problem, Abby, instead of ignoring it. And if you're saying you need to do that without me, it's okay." Abby was amazed and touched by his answer. She suddenly remembered something she'd always loved about Carter. The way he somehow always understood, the way he always used to read her mind and the huge amount of respect he'd always shown towards her, her life and her decisions, even if her decisions hadn't actually pleased him. 

Abby's smile was all it took to proof that his decision meant a lot to her and an approach of relief built up inside of him. 

Suddenly, Carter's pager went off and Abby grinned.

"Weaver?"

Carter quickly searched for the pager that was fastened at his jeans to check who was trying to contact him. He'd less hope that it'd be someone else than Kerry Weaver. And a closer look at it verified his assumption.

He sighed.

"No, it's my mom. She wants me to get home before it gets dark." 

Abby laughed.

"Then you shouldn't keep her waiting too long."

"Yep." He grinned back at Abby while searching for something in the pockets of his jeans. He pulled a little piece of paper out of one pocket and a key out of the other one and offered both to Abby. 

"There's something I've been meaning to give you."

"What is it?", Abby asked, taking the key and the piece of paper. 

"You said you might need time on your own to think things over. This is a key to one of the our family's apartments we don't use anymore."

"Carter…err..?" Abby was somehow speechless.

"It's near Grand Rapids, Lake Michigan. It's beautiful. I mean, just in case you feel you need to spend some time on your own apart from everything that's around you here. Don't get me wrong. You don't have to, of course. It's….it's just a possibility. Um…that's the address." Carter pointed at the piece of paper Abby was holding in her right hand.

Abby was still paralized. She had expected anything but this. 

"Um…Carter, that's…I don't know what to say. I can't promise I'll take your offer but I'll take it with me, okay?"

Carter smiled.

"That's all I wanted." His pager went off for a second time, so Carter started to walk.

"Ohoh….I really gotta go. Um…see ya?"

Abby nodded. 

"See ya."

Carter turned around and started running when he heard Abby calling his name.

"Carter?"

He stopped and looked at her.

"In case – and I say IN CASE - I take your offer – how do you know I won't do it again. How do you know I won't get myself a few bottles and have a nice time?"

"You're not doing this for me, Abby." 

With these words, he turned around and started rushing back to the hospital. His words kept echoeing in Abby's head while she was staring on the little key she was holding in her hand.

…..

Chicago General Hospital

Emergency Room

Chicago

Tuesday

8:30 am

"Someone's gotta change Mrs Bankley's bandage in curtain 3, Mr Johnson in curtain 2 needs some stitches for his left arm and someone's gotta take the migraine in exam room 3. Do I have to organize everything today?! And where the hell is Dr Kovac?!" Kerry Weaver yelled in her usual 'friendly' voice as she was checking the boards near the admit desk.

"Dr Kovac is stuck in traffic. He called some minutes ago. He'll be there in 30 minutes", Chuny replied, trying to sound as friendly as possible.

"I don't care whether he's stuck in traffic or not and I don't care whether he'll need a helicopter to get here! But he'll be here in 15 minutes or he can stay at home for the rest of his life!", she yelled at Chuny who quickly picked up the phone to call Luka for a second time to inform him about the good mood Kerry was currently in. 

Carter and Jing Mei were sitting at the desk, filling out some reports while they followed the whole scenario. Jing Mei quickly took a chart and got up.

"I'll take the Johnson case", she volunteered.

"Great. And Jing Mei? If you see Dr Lewis, send her my way. I need to talk to her."

Jing Mei nodded and headed for curtain 2.

Grabbing some of the other charts, Kerry turned towards Carter.

"Carter, would you mind having a look at Mrs Bankley? She's been waiting for about an hour now."

Carter looked up.

"The bandage?" 

"Yes. I know it's not your normal business, Carter, but Chuny is trying to get Dr Kovac on the phone and Haleh and Malique are already busy."

"Um…where's Abby?"

„She's off for a week."

Carter frowned.

"Off for a week?"

"Yes. She took her holiday earlier this year. And I should do this, too, obviously", Kerry replied, sighing as she took another look at the boards.

"Um, did she say where she wanted to go?"

"I'm not quite sure. I think it was Grand Rapids. But let's get back to work. Mrs Bankley's waiting, Carter", Kerry answered as she turned and made her way down the hall.

"Uhh, sure." Carter took the chart and made his way to curtain 3. He smiled. Contrary to his expectations, she'd done it. He'd had less hopes that she'd actually accept his proposal, so he was glad she'd gone to Grand Rapids. Yet, he hoped it'd help her to get through everything. Of course, he was aware that it wouldn't solve her problem but it'd help her to refill her energies and the distance between Grand Rapids and her usual life in Chicago would allow her to look at everything from a different angle. He remembered he'd felt this way during the time he had spent in therapy, far away from all his friends and family and his work. It'd helped him to mainly concentrate on his problem, his addiction. There'd been no possibility to escape from it, no daily life, no friends, no work that could have distracted him from thinking about his problem. He had HAD to think about it and to deal with it whether he'd wanted it or not. Certainly, sometimes, it had been very hard and annoying but in the end, he'd succeeded. At the moment, he was simply happy and confident that Abby was stopping ignoring it and willing to fight against it. That was a start. 

……

The Carter family's apartment

Somewhere near Grand Rapids

Lake Michigan

Friday

11:45 pm

Lying awake in her double-sized bed, Abby watched the shadows the moon and the wind were projecting on the wall. Silence filled the room and everything outside was silent, too. Normally, she hated silence. But this was not a silence that scared her. Instead, it was somehow calming. She closed her eyes and enjoyed this new kind of silence she'd got to know for the last few days in this big apartment. 

While keeping her eyes closed, she smiled. She thought about the fact that this apartment was so much Carter-family-like. It was big. Twice as big as Abby had imagined it would be. It provided two big bedrooms, a living room, two bathrooms, and a kitchen a restaurant owner could be jealous of. It was so typical for the Carter family. And they just didn't use it anymore. Abby grinned. She had to think of the way Carter had offered her to use it some days ago. Of how he'd just given her the keys and told her she could use it as if he'd just offered her to use his pen. She wondered what his parents would think about his offer. They'd probably never talk to him again if they knew. Putting the coverlet closer around her body, she thought about how less Carter fit into this superficial family because he was anything else but superficial, selfish or snobbish. Sure, he was rich and one of the best doctors who had ever made a step into the ER, but the difference towards the other members of his family was that he'd never show it. He'd never go out and show everyone how brilliant or wealthy he was. Abby sometimes wondered whether he actually knew how brilliant he was. Brilliant as a doctor and brilliant as a person, as a friend. John Carter was one of the less persons she knew that'd give his life for his friends and family without hesitating for even a second - and above all – without claiming something in return. That was probably the main difference between him and the other members of the Carter family. He'd rather give than take. Maybe that was the reason why his parents couldn't live with him and he couldn't live with them. 

And thanks to Carter, Abby felt she was slowly recovering from everything. Right here, right now. She owed a lot to him. More than he'd ever imagine, more than he'd ever know. She suddenly felt uncomfortable with the idea that he wouldn't know how much he actually meant to her. How much it meant to her that he was there. Even if things weren't that easy at the moment and even if he'd acted like an idiot in the past, there was still something between them that just didn't allow her to let him go. She'd wanted to let him go after he'd once told her he didn't want to settle for someone who's already taken, after he'd blamed her for still being in love with Luka. Afterwards, she'd been mad at him. But she hadn't been mad at him for telling her what he'd told her but for actually thinking she could be in love with someone else. With someone else than….him. Abby sighed. She knew that she still meant a lot to him. She could feel it somewhere deep inside herself, even if she sometimes liked to push this thought away and although he'd often denied it, too. Yet, she wished she could finally find a way to get things right between them and to show him that he wasn't the only one who was feeling this way. And yet, she couldn't. She hated getting too close and consequently losing control. For Abby, being close and allowing somebody to touch her soul and heart meant being vulnerable. She just didn't wan to be vulerable. She'd learned how to prevent it. And at last, she wasn't good at revealing her feelings for someone. Especially not for someone special. She'd tried it once and it had caused nothing but trouble. And besides, she would have to get some other things straight in her own life before she could finally allow someone to share her life. Well, to a certain extent they'd always shared their lives. Geez, if only her relationships weren't always so very complicated. 

Abby turned around and stared at the windows. She inhaled the breeze of fresh air the wind was softly blowing in her face. She felt good. For the first time since she'd arrived in this town, she felt really relaxed. A feeling that she'd missed back in Chicago.

The idea of just sailing away from everything she had had in Chicago had scared her at first and the first days after her arrival, she'd just preferred to pack her bags and go back to her usual environment. Indeed, the first days in Grand Rapids had been really hard after she had realized that she'd have nothing here. There would be nothing but herself and well, her problem. It had been hard to resist the urge of getting over this loneliness, the silence she was experiencing here with a few drinks. But in the end, she hadn't drunk again. Yes, suddenly, she realized that she hadn't drunk anything since she'd arrived in Grand Rapids. And suddenly, a feeling of overwhelming proud filled herself. She was proud of herself. She was proud of the fact that she had resisted the painful urge to drink some alcohol and above all, she was proud of herself for finally finding the will to fight against it. Again. 

The days she'd spent here alone had offered her the possibility to think about her problems. She hadn't had the opportunity to simply push any disliked thoughts about this particular problem away. It had always been there and she hadn't had the opportunity to take her mind off her worries by just going to work or something else. She was glad she'd taken Carter's offer and come here. 

Despite, Abby knew that the days she'd spent here couldn't replace a good therapy and they wouldn't solve the problem forever but she'd made the first step and that was something that made her proud. It took a lot of strength and a strong will to deal with her alcohol addiction and to admit to herself that she'd had a relapse but she'd found both here. And there was something else that had become clear to her. She'd realized that her addiction was something that was part of her and her life. It would always be there even if she'd succeeded in making a therapy. And no matter for how many years she'd be sober – she'd always be an alcoholic. And like with any other disease, she'd have to find a way to live with it. It was just a question of whether she'd accept it or not. Once she'd accepted it, she'd found her strength again. Yet, there would be a lot of work left to do before she'd actually be able to live without alcohol for a longer time again, before she wouldn't feel the need of taking a glass or two. She knew that. And she knew what she'd do first as soon as she'd be back in Chicago. That was the last thing she'd on her mind before she dozed off to sleep.

……

Alcoholics Anonymous Meeting

Chicago

Sunday

4:15 pm

She could literally feel a dozen eyes watching her on her way to the lectern on the other side of the room. She'd gone this way a thousand times before and despite, Abby felt that something was different from all the other times she'd walked this way to the lectern. She was nervous and her hand trembled as she took a sip of water out of the glass someone had placed on the lectern. Her eyes fell on the faces of the people that were sitting in rows on their chairs, waiting in anticipation of what she would have to say. Some of them were familiar to Abby and yet, some of them were new to her. Somehow, Abby felt like the first time she'd stood here, telling a dozen of foreign people she was an alcohol addict. The only thing that had once prevented her from running away had been the knowledge that all those people were sharing the same problem. Yet, this time, the only thing that kept her from running away was she, herself. She had to do this for herself. And she wanted to do it. Abby took a deep breath and began to speak.

"Hi. I'm Abby and I'm an alcoholic." She paused for a while before she continued.

"Some of you already know me. I haven't been here for quite a while. I've been busy with drowning my sorrows in alcohol again. Yes. I've been sober for a few years and I never thought I'd once find myself holding a bottle of beer or vine in my hands, again. I thought I was safe. It certainly feels good being on the safe side. Certainly. And that's what makes this addiction so dangerous. The illusion that we could actually sit here and think we'd be able to control it. We can't because it is already taking control of us. In each and every day of our lifes. When I realized I was having a relapse again, it scared the hell out of me. I was trying to ignore it. Telling myself I could stop anywhere and at any time. And yet, I couldn't. It still scares me and that's why I'm here. And I'm afraid it'll always scare me. But in the end, that's what makes me feel safer. I'll always be reminded that it's there. It'll prevent me from ignoring it, again. That's the only way of control we do have. We can control whether we learn to live with it and to accept that we might experience a probable relapse, or whether we let it control us. It takes a long way to learn how to live with it and I'm still at the beginning of the road. But I'll get my life back. In each and every minute. Thank you."

…..

Chicago General Hospital

Emergency Room

Chicago

Monday

9:35 pm

She found him on the roof, standing in a corner near the railings, his hands gripping a tub of coffee. His eyes were looking afar at the dark sky as he was enjoying his coffee. He didn't notice her slowly walking towards him.

"You can run but you can't hide."

Carter shrugged and whirled around at the sound of Abby's voice.

"Abby? Hey."

Just the sight of her brought a huge smile on his face. She looked great tonight. Her eyes were clear and she noticeable seemed more relaxed to him. He was happy to see her. Of course, he'd always been happy to see her but this time was special. He hadn't talked to her since she left for Grand Rapids and it'd almost killed him not to know whether she was okay. He'd considered to call her once or twice during her absence but had finally decided not to call her. He'd been sure she'd need some time on her own and she'd had his number, just in case, so he had given up on this idea. 

"Hey." Abby smiled back at him.

"Night shift, huh?"

Carter took another sip of his coffee and nodded.

"Uhuh. But it's been quiet so far. Weaver's not here." 

"I see." Abby darted a glance at him before both bursted out laughing. She knew that a shift with Kerry Weaver wasn't quite funny sometimes but a night shift with Kerry often turned into a nightmare. 

Carter was the first to catch his breath again and looked at her hesitantly.

"So, how's your 'holiday' been?"

Abby rose her head and smiled . She knew what he was on about.

"Uh, fine so far. I  had a lot of time for myself."

"So, um, did it…?" Carter hesitated to ask this question because he didn't know whether she would get him wrong.

Abby brushed a strand of hair out of her face and crossed her arms. Sometimes he had a cute way of showing his concern.

"…help? I think it was a start", she anticipated his question.

"That's great. Really." 

"It's not over, though, Carter", she added, bowing her head.

Carter put the tub on the ground and leant next to her at the railings. Abby rose her head as his eyes searched for hers.

Lowering his voice, he replied, "It'll never be."

Abby gazed at him.

"I know. That's what I realized when I had time on my own. I won't have to fight against it but to learn how to live with it. Even if it's going to be hard."

"I'll be there."

Abby was about to say something, when Carter realized what he'd just said. He smiled and added quickly,

"…uh..or I won't be there. Whatever you want."

Abby watched him silently and grinned. He was simply extraordinary. 

"Um, don't you have anything to do right now, Carter?"

Carter shook his head.

"I've ten minutes left. And believe me, I won't be back before they're over." He grinned. 

"You can really be lucky Weaver's not here", Abby laughed, as she was about turning to leave.

"Maybe today's my lucky day. Or night. Whatever."

"You're crazy, Carter. Goodnight",  Abby threw in, tucked her hands into the pockets of her jacket and started strolling to the door.

"G'night", Carter replied and focused his eyes back at the starry sky.

Reaching the door, Abby stopped as she felt something in her pocket. Dammit, she'd almost forgotten why she'd come. She quickly turned around and strolled back to where Carter was still standing. Carter turned around as he heard someone walking in his direction.

"Abby?"

Abby stopped in front of him and looked into his eyes while she searched for the keys in her pocket.

"There's something I've been meaning to give you." 

Carter watched her silently as she pulled the keys out of one pocket of the black jacket she was wearing. He noticed the keys he'd given her a week ago. Suddenly but slowly, Abby took hold of his right hand with her own, placed the keys in it and clasped it gently with her left hand. Carter couldn't move. Paralized and surprised, he kept staring at Abby's hands that were gently clasping his own. After a while, he dared to look down at Abby's face, trying to read about what she was going to do. Abby hesitantly rose her head and found Carter's dark, fascinating eyes staring at her. After standing there for a while, with their eyes locked, she slowly moved closer to him, afraid of what he'd do. Her hands carefully touched his shoulders before she finally wrapped her arms around him. Carter returned the hug and drew her closer to him to hold her as tight as possible. He couldn't believe he was standing here, holding her in his arms. He knew that it was more than a hug. It meant more than he could ever say because Abby had just allowed him to be close. It was her own way of showing him how much he obviously meant to her. She'd let go of all her fears. It was amazing. Something had changed between them and it felt great. Abby clenched her hands that were resting on his back into his shirt, trying to draw him even closer to her. Yes, she wanted to be close, as close as possible. She didn't know what made her react this way. Maybe it was just an impulse. Something inside herself had wanted it. She'd always thought this closeness had been scaring her but now, that she was standing here with him, her head resting against his chest while his rested in her neck, she realized how she'd missed it all the time they'd been apart. How she'd always been afraid to get hurt by open up to someone, by too much closeness. And now she realized that it was all she'd ever wanted. Abby smiled as she rose her head a little to have a short look at the stars and then at Carter. She remembered Susan's words. Some of them, the special ones, are always there. Always.

The End

My other ER stories at fanfiction.net: "Run"

Thank you SO MUCH to all of you who encouraged me to keep writing by sending in feedback, criticism and comments. You're great! J Luv, Saskia.

If you have some time left, please review or send feedback to Saskia.Albert@t-online.de


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